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Jay Lake
Date: 2012-04-20 05:36
Subject: [cancer] A day without crisis
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, health, personal
I realized something important yesterday while talking to my therapist. Yesterday was literally the first day in approximately three years that my life didn't feel like I was in crisis. From the onset of the lung metastasis in April of 2009, through that treatment course, then the collapse and aftermath of my relationship with [info]calendula_witch, then the onset and treatment of the liver metastasis, then the new lesion we just cleared me from on Wednesday, my life has been a series of overlapping crises and stressors. Even in the times I wasn't either sick or heartsick, I was in fear of my life.

This has gone on so long I'd stopped consciously noticing. Which is weird but true. Sort of like forgetting that you're carrying a sack of bowling balls. Yet now, when for at least a few months, the crises are gone, I notice I'm no longer carrying the weight.

It's like bobbing to the top of the water after I'd long since forgotten I was trudging through the muck at the bottom.

I'll be curious to see how this affects me. Entirely to the good, I am certain, but I don't know yet what this feeling means for me in a practical sense, or how long it will last. Still, I welcome the change. Like sunshine after rain.

Post A Comment | 12 Comments | | Link

User: zyzyly
Date: 2012-04-20 12:45 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hopefully you won't have crisis withdrawal--just a smooth transition into a normal life.
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User: autopope
Date: 2012-04-20 12:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I suspect you'll get stressed out again in the run-up to your next scan.

(Let's hope it's followed by a sense of deja vu ... for today.)
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2012-04-20 12:54 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, of course I will. But not for about 3.5 months yet...
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2012-04-20 13:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best wishes.
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Blair MacGregor
User: blairmacg
Date: 2012-04-20 13:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I went through a post-crisis phase of constantly feeling certain I was forgetting something very important. My mind wasn't used to NOT being preoccupied all the time.
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Richard Parks
User: ogre_san
Date: 2012-04-20 14:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Definitely a change. May you have many happy years to get used to it.
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User: radiantlisa
Date: 2012-04-20 18:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
So glad you're out of crisis-land - here's hoping for a long-term stay in the sunshine.
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User: icedrake
Date: 2012-04-21 00:11 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
About fucking time, Jay. Here's to a nice, long time without major crises!
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User: mmegaera
Date: 2012-04-21 00:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Your comment reminds me of that bit in Bujold's A Civil Campaign where Gregor is explaining about Tien's crimes to Nikki and startling Miles into realizing what a security net he lives under. A fish not realizing what it's swimming in, indeed.

May you enjoy this stage for a good long time.
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User: mlerules
Date: 2012-04-21 13:55 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
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