Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] A day without crisis

I realized something important yesterday while talking to my therapist. Yesterday was literally the first day in approximately three years that my life didn't feel like I was in crisis. From the onset of the lung metastasis in April of 2009, through that treatment course, then the collapse and aftermath of my relationship with [info]calendula_witch, then the onset and treatment of the liver metastasis, then the new lesion we just cleared me from on Wednesday, my life has been a series of overlapping crises and stressors. Even in the times I wasn't either sick or heartsick, I was in fear of my life.

This has gone on so long I'd stopped consciously noticing. Which is weird but true. Sort of like forgetting that you're carrying a sack of bowling balls. Yet now, when for at least a few months, the crises are gone, I notice I'm no longer carrying the weight.

It's like bobbing to the top of the water after I'd long since forgotten I was trudging through the muck at the bottom.

I'll be curious to see how this affects me. Entirely to the good, I am certain, but I don't know yet what this feeling means for me in a practical sense, or how long it will last. Still, I welcome the change. Like sunshine after rain.

Tags: cancer, health, personal

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