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[cancer] The state of play - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2012-07-17 05:43
Subject: [cancer] The state of play
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, health, personal
Just a headspace update, nothing new to report on the diagnosis and treatment front.

I've been having a great time lately in my social and personal life. These past few months I've enjoyed more energy and focus than I've had in over three years. The real me, the sparking, clever, thoughtful, sensuous, impetuous, energetic me, is back in full force. And I've been loving it.

My next round of tests are in four weeks. As has been the case with this disease, we find the metastases through early detection. I don't get sick, feel unwell or anything else. That loss of somatic and mental health is a function of the treatments, for me. So I will most likely continue to feel fine and focused until I walk into that lab on Monday, August 13th for my bloodwork and my CT scan. If my doctors run true to form, by the time I walk into my oncology consult on Wednesday, August 15th, I'll know the bloodwork and scan results. So for about two days, I'll have Schrödinger's tumor, and then we'll open the box.

It's like knowing your entire life will change based on a coin flip that happens every few months. Except the odds of my coin flip aren't anywhere near as good as 50/50. Everything hangs in the balance, by a thin thread. This will be true even if my current status of No Evidence of Disease persists long enough for me to be considered in remission. This will be true even if I were to persist in remission long enough for me to be cured. Cancer is a shotgun duct taped to my forehead, and I don't control when it goes off.

For the rest of my life, there will be this monster in my mental closet. If I'm lucky enough to have the years go by with me remaining unmolested by the disease, that monster will grow smaller and more distant. But he will never go away.

I guess the pre-test weirdness is starting up in my head. That's what I'm saying here. I should still be okay for a couple of more weeks, then around the beginning of August I will start feeling freaky and sad. It's still true that every time I do something, a little voice inside my head whispers, "This might be your last time." That voice will grow to thunder by the time I sit down to open my veins and slide my body through the CT scanner.

This I do not love.

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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2012-07-17 13:22 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
What amazes me is how, when everything is good, I feel like I ought to be in control of my moods, and like *next* time, I won't let myself get stressed or depressed about medical tests.

But anniversaries and testing dates still drop me down that depression well, and when I'm in that state, the idea of being able to control my own moods seems laughable.

I wish you good health, Jay. And I wish you ongoing, uninterrupted peace and happiness too.
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Jo Rhett
User: jorhett
Date: 2012-07-17 20:22 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It's still true that every time I do something, a little voice inside my head whispers, "This might be your last time."

I keep trying to remind myself when stuff like this (well, different but the same in ways) happens is that if I spend the weeks beforehand upset and not enjoying life, it's two weeks I'll never get back. Knowing that my life could be shorter than I would otherwise expect actually pushes me to enjoy my sane moments even more.

Yah, suckage. But try to let the threat of suckage be a prod to enjoy NOW even more.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2012-07-17 22:28 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Very good wishes. I'm glad things have been good for you recently and I hope that goes on for a very long time.
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Rick Moen
User: rinolj
Date: 2012-07-17 23:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Back when my parents did me the favour of playing Tom Lehrer's songs for me, I didn't realise just how appropriate the lyrics might become at times:

Soon you'll be out amid the cold world's strife.
Soon you'll be sliding down the razor blade of life.

Meanwhile, enjoy being asymptomatic. It's the new normal!

Best Regards,
Rick (who didn't figure out the line about 'escalatio' until age 8 or so) Moen
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Gary Emenitove
User: garyomaha
Date: 2012-07-18 11:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
>>It's still true that every time I do something, a little voice inside my head whispers, "This might be your last time."<<

This is what I think whenever I do something out of the ordinary, and have done so for years. One example is when visiting places where I've been, or lived, before. "This may be the last time I'll be here." And then it isn't.

I thought this was just SOP for aging, but maybe not.
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