Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] More with the coping

I continue to be stretched very thin. I do okay when nothing is particularly troublesome, but even minor annoyances balloon into huge, angry-making irritants right now. I'm a magnificent example of a pulsating stress ball at the moment.

Thankfully I retain enough self-awareness to be able to know what's happening when it happens. Two minor issues at the Day Jobbe yesterday really got me going. I managed to control myself sufficiently so as not to spill the stress over into either of those situations.

I hate this. I hate this feeling of loss of control. A large part of the reason why I am a very moderate drinker (even without liver issues in play) is that when I am much past tipsy, I lose the ability to fully self-moderate. (Luckily I am a mouthy, flirty drunk rather than an angry or mean drunk — many of my friends claim not to be able to tell the difference between drunk me and sober me.) This cancer stress is a similar situation, except I can't just sober up and get over it.

It's not that I'm a particularly controlled person. Nor am I low affect. As anyone who knows me in real life can attest, I am quite emotional, almost always in socially appropriate ways. I approach the world with passion and interest and engagement. But when stress churns my emotional ground state from happy, optimistic sensuality into peevish irritation, I become someone I really don't want to be.

In the litany of things cancer has stolen from me, a week or so of moderate irritability pre-scan doesn't even make the top ten. Probably not the top twenty. But this mood of mine is like a postcard from hell. "Having a fiendish time, sure you'll be back soon."

Fuck cancer.

Tags: cancer, health, personal, work
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