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[funny] Tell me a joke - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2012-08-10 05:42
Subject: [funny] Tell me a joke
Security: Public
Tags:contests, funny
What's your favorite joke? Leave it in comments.

Sometime next week, I'll pick a few I like and we'll run a poll, with books and stuff for the winning jokes.

Make me laugh, people! Make me laugh!

This probably doesn't need to be said, but though I have a very broad sense of humor, and enjoy jokes about sex, religion or politics, I will absolutely draw the line at racial "humor", and will moderate comments if needed.

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Jay Lake: signs-bad_English
User: jaylake
Date: 2012-08-10 12:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"To who?"
"To whom, my friend. It's to whom?"
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User: ericjamesstone
Date: 2012-08-10 19:45 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I think the third line should be "To."
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Kevin Roche
User: kproche
Date: 2012-08-10 13:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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User: etcet
Date: 2012-08-10 13:10 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I love that line, though it's usually a priest, a pirate, and a penguin when I tell it. Now I need to come up with another one. :-)
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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2012-08-10 13:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My favorite silly joke:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
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User: madrobins
Date: 2012-08-10 13:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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janissa11: melanoma
User: janissa11
Date: 2012-08-10 14:26 (UTC)
Subject: The Pirate Captain
This particular pirate captain is well-known for his bravery in battle. Before each battle (always victorious) he calls for the first mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt!" He wears the red shirt, not because he's a doomed unnamed crewman on the Enterprise, but so that if he is wounded in the upcoming battle, the blood will not show and alarm his stalwart crew.

All goes well for years, and the captain and his scurrilous crew have made a comfortable living. One day, though, the crew spot a vast, extremely well-armed navy ship in the distance, bearing towards them.

"She's better armed than we are," says the first mate. "A lot better." He's very pale.

After some consideration, the pirate captain realizes they are outmanned, outgunned, and thoroughly outclassed. There's no way they can win in a real battle. But he refuses to give up.

Turning to the first mate, he calls, "Bring me my brown pants!"
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
User: twilight2000
Date: 2012-08-10 18:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Spit take!
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User: mrtact
Date: 2012-08-10 14:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
One of my all-time favorite jokes is the one Andrew Stanton uses to open his TED talk, here: http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_stanton_the_clues_to_a_great_story.html.

It's also the best telling of that particular joke I've ever heard.
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User: mrtact
Date: 2012-08-10 14:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Grr. Apparently any link you post flags a comment as spam? Awesome. Here's the linkless version:

My favorite joke is the one Andrew Stanton used to open his TED talk, which you can find by using the search engine of your choice :-(

His is also the best telling of it I've ever heard.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2012-08-10 14:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Weirdly, the first one came through just fine to my inbox. LJ is on some kind of spam patrol, I guess.
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User: goulo
Date: 2012-08-10 16:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

(a deep thought from Jack Handey)

Edited at 2012-08-10 04:37 pm (UTC)
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User: willyumtx
Date: 2012-08-11 07:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
“There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.”

--- J. Handey

Edited at 2012-08-11 07:05 am (UTC)
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Max Kaehn: Amazing
User: slothman
Date: 2012-08-10 18:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
A pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, “Hello, and welcome.”
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands.”
He smiled. “Ah, you must be one of our pagan sisters. Follow me, please.”
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left.
They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.
While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. “Who are those people?”
St. Peter replied, “Them? They’re fundamentalists. They’re a bit surprised to see you all there,
so they stand there and carry on like that all day.”
“Why? Don’t they have better things to do?”
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. “They don’t really have a choice. They’re actually in Hell. God doesn’t like being told what He thinks.”
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Kerry aka Trouble
User: controuble
Date: 2012-08-10 18:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You lived in TX, so you will understand this one...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
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User: klwilliams
Date: 2012-08-10 18:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

Elephant grape sine theta

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?

You can't cross an elephant with a mountain climber. A mountain climber is a scalar.
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User: icedrake
Date: 2012-08-13 22:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
In the same vein, what do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

You can't; one is a vector, the other is a scalar.
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Shalanna: flowercat
User: shalanna
Date: 2012-08-10 18:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You're saving your GOOD jokes for yourselves, right?
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User: klwilliams
Date: 2012-08-10 19:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
There is a room containing a curtain, which is on fire, a spigot on the wall, and a bucket.

A scientist comes into the room, sees the burning curtain, the spigot, and the bucket, fills the bucket with water, and pours it on the curtain, putting out all the fire, but the floor is covered in water.

An engineer comes into the room, sees the burning curtain, the spigot, and the bucket, figures out the exact amount of water needed to put out the flame, fills the bucket with that amount, pours the water, the fire goes out, and the floor is nice and dry.

A mathematician comes into the room, sees the burning curtain, the spigot, and the bucket, and says, "Well, I've solved that problem," and leaves.
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