Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Going splat

Yesterday was tough. I took Lisa Costello to the airport early. Seeing her leave made me sad. I saw H— in the morning, then had lunch with [info]mlerules and a friend of hers before hitting GEAR Con. Finally I came home and spent some time with [info]the_child.

Almost the entire day, I was filled with dread, depression and anger. The new cancer diagnosis has really gotten to me in a way that even the previous diagnoses did not do. This is a combination of the terror of another horrible round of chemotherapy and my continued processing of my sharply increased mortality risk. This is not a terminal diagnosis, but the third metastasis kicks me into much higher risk category that strongly indicates a limited lifespan. One of my oncologists actually referred to the possibility of a "miraculous cure" in discussing this.

I am horrified.

I do bounce. From almost everything. Right now I'm still in the splat of hitting the floor. The true measure of this thing has barely begun to make itself known to my heart and mind. The shattering is going on right now.

I am horrified.

Tags: cancer, child, conventions, friends, health, personal
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