Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Ownership

One of the lessor things I struggle with in this cancer journey of mine is how the people around me, those who love me most, have a need for assurance from me. Contact with me. To see me. To touch me.

This makes it difficult sometimes for me to engage in self-care. As relentlessly social and extroverted as I am, even I need to retreat sometimes. That might be into myself, or with a trusted friend or intimate, but it also means away from everyone else.

I struggle with the sense of ownership and being owned. This is my cancer, my struggle, my life, my death. How much do I owe my family and friends? How much do I owe [info]the_child?

If I don't do some self-care, I'll have a harder time of coping, and therefore a harder time being a loving father, son, lover or friend. If I do some self-care, I feel guilt for abandoning these people who love me most and best and who struggle to help see me through my travails.

I suppose in the end, the cancer owns us all. I get to be the one who has to find and strike a balance every day underneath the iron weight of its oppression.

Tags: cancer, child, family, friends, health, personal
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