Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[personal] Dreaming of all the anxieties, because reasons

Last night's dream was a mix of most of my current anxieties and life issues. Hilariously so.

At first, I was at a convention with Lisa Costello. I wasn't Guest of Honor, but I was something like Toastmaster. After rehearsing for the banquet where there was going to be a ceremony, I realized it was going to be one of the coolest ceremonies ever. Live action stunts, people flying in from the ceiling on wires, the whole business. I tried to convince Lisa she needed to come to the banquet with me, but she kept insisting she had a panel she couldn't miss.

Eventually I went to change for the banquet. I couldn't find my aloha shirts. I couldn't get into the orange t-shirt I had with me. I got lost heading back to the banquet room. I eventually arrived about half an hour late, most of the ceremony was over, and I'd missed all the fun bits with me in them.

My sense of being trapped by cancer, of my writing career slipping away from me

Lisa Costello went back to my house. Not the real Nuevo Rancho Lake, but some dream place. We decided to take a road trip to Canton, OH as something to do in order to distract ourselves. On the way we stopped at the house of [info]tillyjane (a/k/a my mom). (Again, some dream version.) There we were going to meet up with [info]kenscholes, who was going to drive the rest of the way to Canton with us.

[info]kenscholes and Lisa Costello are driving from Baltimore to Portland next week to relocate her out here

[info]tillyjane had set up a commercial baking operation in her living room and was making mass quantities of biscuits for some NFL teams. Football players in full field gear kept wandering in taking out huge trays of biscuits. I went into the bathroom to get ready for the rest of our trip to Canton when I noticed in the mirror that all my facial hair had fallen out from chemotherapy, but for some reason the hair on my head had grown down past my shoulders. Plus I'd lost more weight due to chemo. I actually could pass for female with long hair and thin face in my dream. I was so excited that I went running through the house looking for Lisa to show her my hair, but I couldn't find her, as she and [info]kenscholes had left without me.

My feeling that my whole life is slipping away from me due to cancer, and my fears that people will keep leaving me behind as I grow ever more ill — not sure what the gender stuff means, other than obvious questions of somatic identity

So, yeah. A classic. Laughably Freudian.


Tags: cancer, conventions, dreams, family, friends, health, personal, radiantlisa, travel, weird, writing

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