Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer|personal] Eating and watching and dreaming and scans

Yesterday was a pretty good day. We had a small family-and-friends fondue party. [info]mlerules describes some of the hilarity here on her Facebook page. Fondue pickles, not for the win. Also, [info]the_child has been introducing me to White Collarimdb ], which so far (early in season one) has been much smarter and wittier than I usually experience series television as being, with no flying snowmen yet. (A few have hopped through and done the high jump, but they haven't kicked me out of the show to date.)

Overnight, I had the most indescribable dreams. I woke after every REM cycle, though I managed to sleep well enough during the course of the night that I'm not starting today pathologically exhausted, as happened to me last Monday. I dreamt about everything, sometimes all at once, from the zombie apocalypse to pizza to Bridezillas to media takeovers to pizza to endless struggles alongside [info]the_child to pizza to staff meetings at work to pizza to cancer to real estate to pizza. A fair amount of anxiety of the obvious sorts was mixed into the oneiric stream, but a lot of it was just the detritus of my subconscious on parade. Big time.

This morning, Lisa Costello is taking me to have the CT scan to follow up on the elevated CEA levels. Tomorrow, I go in for related bloodwork. Wednesday, I see the oncologist. My scanxiety is always an issue, as in uncertain moments such as this I tend to fixate on the essentially mechanical event of the scan itself, rather than the later-to-be-forthcoming data once the radiologist has read my scan and my oncologist has reviewed the results. The usual reality at my clinic is they release everything to me pre-appointment so I have time to read and process the report, but that's not a consistent behavior. So I may know more (to my relief or to my horror) as soon as this afternoon, or I may not know anything until I walk into the consultation room Wednesday afternoon.

So I continue quietly terrified for now.

Also, I'm getting a library card today.

Tags: books, cancer, child, dreams, family, food, friends, funny, health, movies, personal, television, weird

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