Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Morpheus' elusive chariot awaits me not

Because of the Late Unpleasantness in my lower GI immediately following on a chemo weekend, I slept about two weeks straight with Lorazepam every night. These past two nights I've foregone the pill, and have slept for beans as a result. This frustrates me.

I really, really don't want to be drug-dependent to meet my sleep needs. In my baseline health, I am a champion sleeper. Turn off the light, fall asleep, wake six hours later energetic and refreshed. I am like the opposite of a sleep disorder. These last two nights it's been frequent wakefulness and uneasy dreams.

Two nights doesn't mean I got hooked on the Lorazepam. And later in the chemo cycle I'll likely be on it close to full time anyway. But this isn't how I want to live my life, out of a pillbox. At the moment, even sleep, one of my closest companions, seems out of my control.

In other news, I am having the opposite problem of the Late Unpleasantness in my lower GI, which is completely unsurprising as the relevant meds normally affect me like a concrete enema. Which they have. Which means my appetite is shrinking as my GI tract backs up deeper and deeper.

Sigh. Car on ice. Always.

Tags: cancer, dreams, health, personal

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