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[cancer] Last night I was very, very angry - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2013-03-14 05:07
Subject: [cancer] Last night I was very, very angry
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, family, friends, health, omaha, personal, portland, travel, work
The fucking hits just keep on coming.

I'm still adjusting to my deepening sense of foreshortened mortality. Doors keep closing on my future, and I'm trying to live in the moment. In Omaha right now for work, which used to be a (nearly) monthly occurrence, but now happens far less frequently. I'm off to ICFA next week, along with some other event and personal travel plans in the next couple of months, because quite frankly I'm trying to cram in not just a year's worth of living, but probably the rest of my life's worth, into what will likely be a very narrow window.

At the same time, things happen at home. On this blog I rarely discuss the issues faced by people around me, and even then only with their permission. It's not for me to breach other people's boundaries of privacy and confidentiality. Suffice to say that in my circle of family and friends my own cancer journey has brought not just the obvious severe distress, pain and sorrow, but more serious issues including emotional breakdown and even hospitalization for stress-induced illness.

Yesterday afternoon there was a major eruption back in Portland. So serious that I looked into changing my flight home, but that was profoundly cost prohibitive. People are angry, bitter, and very sad; and some extremely expensive things happened which I shall have to pay for out of pocket. At this end in Omaha, I was on the telephone for over three hours dealing with what I could. Friends and family in Portland were far more deeply involved in dealing with things directly.

As a result I did not get any further writing done last night.

As a result I went to bed late and am short slept.

As a result I am probably going to have to cancel my weekend plans back at home.

As a result I am strongly considering canceling my trip to Florida next week.

It's not enough that cancer has to ravage my own life, stealing both my long-term hopes and short-term freedoms. Cancer also fractures and distorts the people who love me. Their pain and anger then flows back into my life, where I have to deal with the consequences of that. I lose on both the first-order effects and the second-order effects.

I know this is not all about me. Other people's distress is genuine and real and needs to be addressed. But God damn it, I feel like I cannot catch a break. Even this narrow slice of time where I can travel and do the things I used to do in my everyday life is compromised.

So last night I was very, very angry. I woke up this morning very, very angry. Not at anyone, just at the situation. Much as with the compounding financial issues of end-of-life care, the emotional issues that arise at end-of-life compound one another in a horrid negative feedback loop that tears us all down.

Cancer: it's why I cannot have nice things.

P.S. — I apologize for talking around the issues. I know this style is classic passive-aggressive Internet drama bait. But some stories really, truly are not mine to tell, and it's hard to talk about my part in them without breaching that confidence. It's equally hard not to talk about them at all.

And yes, everyone involved will be all right.

Post A Comment | 16 Comments | | Link

User: a_cubed
Date: 2013-03-14 14:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Only two things I can think of to say to this.
Fuck Cancer!
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Debbie N.
User: wild_irises
Date: 2013-03-14 14:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*supporting you and your people from afar*
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User: cathshaffer
Date: 2013-03-14 15:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
So many hugs.
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2013-03-14 15:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs. I wish I could help, but I'm sandbagged. I don't want to make commitments I can't keep right now.
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User: rekre8
Date: 2013-03-14 15:19 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs delivered randomly to all involved with whatever it is.
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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2013-03-14 19:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sympathies. And FWIW, it doesn't read as passive-aggressive, just as protective of privacy. You have your own experience, which you're entitled to write about; I think it is good of you to work so hard to respect that other people may not want their experiences outed, and to try to walk that line.
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User: swan_tower
Date: 2013-03-14 20:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I agree completely.
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desperance: luke
User: desperance
Date: 2013-03-14 22:07 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Aye this.
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User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2013-03-14 19:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It seems like Life is a balance between pain and pleasure, and then the teeter-totter goes wonky.

Its a very low spot at the moment, its something that can be fixed, even if you dont feel good.

The Unfixable portion of your life will still be there.
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User: anghara
Date: 2013-03-14 19:29 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It's a tough situation all around. There is a lot of anger, I suspect, and not just yours - aimed in all directions, much of it squarely at the shitty hand of cards you've just been dealt by the universe, but it's a lot like shooting a bullet out of a gun, probably, you may not be aiming at anybody in particular but it has to come down SOMEWHERE and it often hits someone you weren't even considering as being in the line of fire - and the Universe is big and impersonal enough that any such bullet IS going to go arbitrarily awry because it's impossible to aim it at what you would wish to aim it at. All of which is a very long winded way of sayingthat it doesn't make anything any easier, but you've ALL been so strong for so long. Every now and then in a situation as tightly strung at this something probably WILL give. I'm sorry it all comes as the straw on top of the camel's load but from a distance.. all I can do is send my best thoughts, all teh good vibes I can muster, and hope that things settle back down for you into whatever "normal" you are able to bear right now...
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2013-03-14 19:36 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so sorry.
Much love
Kari xx
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User: mmegaera
Date: 2013-03-14 22:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Passive-aggressive? Really? I know from passive-aggressive (my sister is the queen of P-A), and you, sir, are very, very much not being passive-aggressive.

Anyway, even if you were being so, that should be the least of your concerns right now.

Boosting the good thoughts stream your way again.
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Jeff: Me
User: jeffreyab
Date: 2013-03-14 23:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there and make the best of it.
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Lethran: Balls
User: gwyd
Date: 2013-03-15 04:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I have nothing clever to say. I've been there and it sucks, but you don't need anyone to tell you that. I know you don't know me, but hugs and best wishes anyway.
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User: e_bourne
Date: 2013-03-15 13:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so sorry. I certainly understand the frustration, and how events like cancer suddenly make other shit erupt.

You know you can always give me a call or drop an email. I am at least a sympathetic listener although my own bandwidth is narrow right now, as you know.

And I will see you at Norwescon where I will also be barconning.

hugs, e.
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