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Jay Lake
Date: 2013-04-28 06:48
Subject: [cancer] Today is the fifth anniversary of my cancer
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, child, family, friends, health, personal, radiantlisa
Today is the fifth anniversary of my cancer.

To be more accurate, it is the fifth anniversary of me presenting at the emergency room with symptoms that led to my diagnosis on May 1st, 2008 [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ].

It's been a long, hard road since then. Given what we learned this past January about me being considered incurable [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ], the road ahead is considerably shorter than the road behind. My CT scan and oncology consult next week are quite likely to produce my terminal diagnosis.

Time and again the sheer existential horror of this catches up to me. It tugs at my attention, stills my heart for a beat or two, and gnaws at my soul. But every day I am alive is another day. Every day with [info]the_child, with Lisa Costello, with my family, with everyone who knows and loves me is another day.

Still, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's just that the path I'm on right now wasn't the outcome I was hoping for. I've spent more than 10% of my life being ill, a third of [info]the_child's life. I will spend 100% of the rest of my life being ill, and that will always be her memory of me. As she said recently in a related context, "I never wanted it to be this way."

I hate this disease. I love the world, I love life, but I hate what cancer has done to me and everyone around me.

Happy anniversary.

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scarlettina: Happy Skip
User: scarlettina
Date: 2013-04-28 17:10 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Happy Skip
Honey, you're still here. And as long as you are, celebrate it. It's worth celebrating.
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User: swan_tower
Date: 2013-04-28 17:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You've clawed five years away from this beast. That, I think, is the anniversary I will personally celebrate.
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User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2013-04-28 18:03 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired

pick the one thing each day that brings you joy and do it first if you can, the rest ends up taking care of itself.

Doing the dishes isnt critical I have found.
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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2013-04-28 18:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Such a difficult process to go through, especially with so much foreknowledge. Information can be a tricky thing, and you can't unknow things once you've learned them.

I hate the disease too. I hope you find as much joy and contentment as possible during whatever time you have left -- pretty much what I hope for us all. But maybe a little sharper and more immediate in your case.
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User: goulo
Date: 2013-04-28 20:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
FWIW, even though the cancer looms heavily now, everyone who's known you more than a few years will also always have many excellent memories of you which are utterly unrelated to the cancer and from before it even existed. I often think of you and our diverse shared experiences ancient and recent... rest assured these memories are not just about the cancer, and I'm sure that's true for the child too...
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User: voidampersand
Date: 2013-04-28 20:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Well, Jay, when have you not been a statistical improbability? Keep hanging in there.
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User: a_cubed
Date: 2013-04-29 00:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs. And fuck cancer.

These five years is four more thqn you probably would have got even perhaps thirty years ago. It stil sucks big time but sick Jay for five plus years is better than no Jay for most of that time.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2013-04-29 12:40 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, I know. I've already far outlived the historical (and even contemporary) statistics. Still...
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User: a_cubed
Date: 2013-04-29 13:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
There's always that still... which is perfectly fine. Given your circumstances I am humbled at how open and positive you are most of the time. Your occasional drops into negativity are entirely understandable and I'm sure everyone else on here both understands and supports your need to vent. Still,. I find the best response to my own negativity is to keep the postives in view as well. But there's always that "still..." lurking around, too.
My father was 50 when I was born but I was blessed that he lived to 86 (wonderful man, not perfect but still great and I still miss him). I was 41 when $DAUGHTER was born (how's that for a two-generation gap: 92 years - yes, I know the numbers seem slightly off, but that's birthdays and years for you). I hope I can be around for her for at least as long as my Dad was around for me. It's heartbreaking that your daughter probably won't have you for anywhere near long enough.
Hugs again.
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User: mcjulie
Date: 2013-04-30 01:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Cancer: fuck it.
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