[cancer] Today is the fifth anniversary of my cancer

Today is the fifth anniversary of my cancer.

To be more accurate, it is the fifth anniversary of me presenting at the emergency room with symptoms that led to my diagnosis on May 1st, 2008 [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ].

It's been a long, hard road since then. Given what we learned this past January about me being considered incurable [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ], the road ahead is considerably shorter than the road behind. My CT scan and oncology consult next week are quite likely to produce my terminal diagnosis.

Time and again the sheer existential horror of this catches up to me. It tugs at my attention, stills my heart for a beat or two, and gnaws at my soul. But every day I am alive is another day. Every day with the_child, with Lisa Costello, with my family, with everyone who knows and loves me is another day.

Still, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's just that the path I'm on right now wasn't the outcome I was hoping for. I've spent more than 10% of my life being ill, a third of the_child's life. I will spend 100% of the rest of my life being ill, and that will always be her memory of me. As she said recently in a related context, "I never wanted it to be this way."

I hate this disease. I love the world, I love life, but I hate what cancer has done to me and everyone around me.

Happy anniversary.