Log in

No account? Create an account
[cancer] Scanxiety, like paranoia, strikes deep - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2013-05-07 05:41
Subject: [cancer] Scanxiety, like paranoia, strikes deep
Security: Public
Tags:california, cancer, conventions, health, personal, travel
This morning I am going in for the CT scan to confirm what we know from the recent bloodwork. This will be the test that drives tomorrow's oncology consultation. From which I fairly reasonably expect to receive my terminal diagnosis.

In other words, I feel like I'm going before a firing squad. CT scans always make me very uptight, even when we have no specific reason to expect bad news. That's where my stress is focus and inflected. My state of mind can best be described as 'scanxiety'.

In that vein, my trip to San Diego was awesome. Gaslight Gathering took excellent care of me, kept me very entertained, and (mostly) out of the cancer headspace. Except for about the last ninety minutes, I loved being there the entire time.

In that last ninety minutes, I nearly lost my shit at the airport.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I place a very high value on being kind, polite and pleasant. I don't always live up to that value, but it's a strong element of my self-directed character. Stress will strip those things away from me, unfortunately.

Even getting into the airport was a bit of a trial. Several emergency response vehicles were in the drop-off area. This meant someone was having a much worse day that the rest of us, unfortunately. It also meant that the excellent Greg van Eekhout had to let me off well away from the terminal and I had to walk quite a while, swaddled against the sunlight and with my injured foot aching.

I got checked in easily enough, but the security lines were hideous. TSA only had two of the inspection lanes open, despite having hundreds of people queued up. I don't know if this was the sequester, their lunch hour, or just good old-fashioned poor management, but it was a mess.

Once inside, I discovered that the only water fountain in the entire concourse was out of service. I couldn't fill my water bottle in the bathroom, because San Diego is the only airport in America where the bathroom taps run hot water. More to the point, they run hot water only. And the line at the one concession selling water bottles was fifteen or twenty people deep. Since it was the coffee shop, that was also a very slow-moving line.

I finally found an open seat, which was nontrivial. My laptop wouldn't connect to the supposed free airport wifi. AT&T kept dropping signal on my iPhone, going from four bars to 'No service' and back again randomly. A minute or two after I sat down, the woman next to me was very sharp with me about the empty seat being taken. I started to apologize, then lost my temper and became rude back to her. Given my state of mind at that point, there was no graceful way to apologize or extract myself from the situation with social nicety. So I just got up and left.

This is not like me. This is so not like me. While I was legitimately having a frustrating day, my frustration was being compounded by scanxiety. It led me to behave rudely and inappropriately to a total stranger.

So I found another seat. I decided to take a Lorazepam, only to then discover we had forgotten to pack that particular medication. Perfect. Just fucking perfect.

I did take a Lorazepam last night to help me go to sleep. I am considering taking another this morning to keep me mellow on heading for the scan. But, yeah, this is a tough, tough moment. The inside of my head is a mess. My body is firing off physical stress symptoms like crazy, which for me mostly express as lower GI distress. I know what's coming. I hate it and fear it. But it's coming. And so I fixate on the scan because that is the moment when the unknown becomes known. The uncertainties are collapsed, and then we get to find out what happens next.

Unfortunately for me, at this point there are only bad answers and worse answers. We left "good" behind a long time ago.

Cancer is a lousy hobby.

Post A Comment | 11 Comments | | Link

User: keikaimalu
Date: 2013-05-07 13:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It amazes me how much worse waiting is than knowing. You'd think there couldn't be anything worse than receiving really bad news. But waiting is. Being Schroedinger's cat.

I hope the time passes quickly until you are out of that scanxiety state.
Reply | Thread | Link

Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2013-05-07 13:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Kari xxx
Reply | Thread | Link

Debbie N.
User: wild_irises
Date: 2013-05-07 14:10 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I have been in other U.S. airports that use the "hot water only" trick, though I can't offhand remember which ones.

Only in this great and glorious country would we decide that people who can't bring water bottles through security should have to pay for water on the other side. Sometimes I hate--not my country--the ways my country expresses its "freedom."
Reply | Thread | Link

Danny Adams
User: madwriter
Date: 2013-05-08 23:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Or as I tell people, I love my country, but sometimes you've just got to use tough love when they throw a tantrum. :)
Reply | Parent | Thread | Link

User: threeoutside
Date: 2013-05-07 17:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reply | Thread | Link

User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2013-05-07 17:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
only water fountain in the entire concourse was out of service.

thats against OSHA...

Its okay to be cranky at times, one cant be that serene all the time.
Reply | Thread | Link

Rhonda Parrish
User: rhondaparrish
Date: 2013-05-07 19:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reply | Thread | Link

User: klwilliams
Date: 2013-05-07 20:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Many hugs. I'm so sorry.
Reply | Thread | Link

Stone of stumbling and rock of offense: nova
User: wordweaverlynn
Date: 2013-05-07 22:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Almost losing it at the airport is very common, even in people who aren't under metamorphic levels of stress.

Keeping you in my thoughts.
Reply | Thread | Link

Lethran: Balls
User: gwyd
Date: 2013-05-08 01:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hugs* Waiting to hear is terrible.

Re: Airports. Have you considered signing up for wheelchair service? The whisk you through the lines and the airport in general. It means you can sit through all but the metal detectors and body scanners. It saves the walking and standing in line, which I simply can't handle any more. If you do it, make sure you have tip money Wheelchair service is ideal for folks who can still walk short distances, but haven't the energy for hiking the airport or who are in pain.
Reply | Thread | Link

frabjouslinz: Me Street
User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2013-05-08 21:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Me Street
Sometimes airports make everyone unhappy. It sounds like she was pushing up on rude, herself. I'm sorry you were stressed.

I know this is a couple days later, but I'm thinking about you. Sometimes when I go to dance class I just shove all my emotion into it, and then if I can, I shove a little more, and think if the universe were fair, that would help you out, too. The universe not being fair, it really doesn't, but I'm making the futile attempt.
Reply | Thread | Link

my journal
January 2014
2012 appearances