Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Being there, at the Nebulas

So, the Nebs. I'm still processing a lot, specifically in the context of my cancer journey. I can't shake the feeling that I'm going on my farewell tour these days. Which is essentially true, barring some extremely unexpected developments. Even if I hang on past the current prognosis, I'll either be wrapped in the misery of treatment or I'll be wrapped in the misery of my terminal decline. I don't expect to travel again much if ever after this summer. That means that while it's reasonably possible I'll still be alive at the time of next year's Nebula Awards Weekend, it's highly improbable I could attend.

Everyone who knows me knows this, too.

I received an amazing amount of well wishing. Almost all of it was delivered tactfully. I got to have worthwhile conversations with most of the people present whom I know personally. I got to see a lot of a few people, and a little of a lot of people. I had hella fun, as did my family and friends. But all of those memories are overlain by sadness.

At least I lived long enough to go as one of the nominees. This is something I'm quite proud of. And it was very gratifying to be able to give Aliette de Bodard her well-earned short story Nebula.

But beyond that rather pointless melancholy, I can't yet tell you what it means. I can only tell you I was present, at this time my life.

Sometimes that's enough.

Tags: awards, cancer, conventions, family, friends, health, personal

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