Log in

No account? Create an account
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2013-06-29 06:46
Subject: [cancer] Last night I had a meltdown
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, death, events, health, personal, radiantlisa
Lisa Costello and I were at the Clarion West party for a little under an hour yesterday evening before heading back to our hotel. We were both overwhelmed by the sheer volume. I saw a lot of people I don't see often, and in many cases, after today will never see again. I was navigating the party slowly, with my cane and my protective gloves. Both of these things served as obvious markers of my decline.

Back at the hotel we each sorted out our evening routines and got close to sleep. I had my trazodone and lorazepam combination on board. Trying to settle down for the night, I felt overwhelmed all over again. That quickly brought me to tears of anger and despair. All I could say is, "I want my life back."

I want to be able to go to a party and last more than an hour.

I want to walk quickly down a hall.

I want to be able to say to faraway friends, "See you again soon."

I want the people around me to deal with their stuff without being distorted by my illness and my needs.

I want to write.

I want to plan ahead.

I want my old energy, my old charisma, my old busy-ness.

I want my life back.

Instead I get fatigue, tears, and ever shorter horizons and an ever smaller existence.

Post A Comment | 16 Comments | | Flag | Link

User: mlerules
Date: 2013-06-29 14:27 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reply | Thread | Link

Kate Schaefer
User: kate_schaefer
Date: 2013-06-29 14:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm sorry to have missed you (and everyone else) last night. I hope I'll be able to make it to next week's event, which should be slightly less crowded. I send you a hug.
Reply | Thread | Link

chessdev: alien
User: chessdev
Date: 2013-06-29 15:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reply | Thread | Link

User: deborahjross
Date: 2013-06-29 16:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
We want our Jay back.
Reply | Thread | Link

User: fledgist
Date: 2013-06-29 20:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hear! Hear!
Reply | Parent | Thread | Link

User: alumiere
Date: 2013-06-29 16:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I want my life back. I understand, and am profoundly sorry you're not going to get it. Hugs and support.
Reply | Thread | Link

User: leela_cat
Date: 2013-06-29 17:36 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

If I could give those things back to you, I would.
Reply | Thread | Link

User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2013-06-29 18:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
having even the illusion of control would be lifting...

Reply | Thread | Link

User: shaolingrrl
Date: 2013-06-29 22:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Many, many hugs and much, much love to you, Jay.
Reply | Thread | Link

User: joycemocha
Date: 2013-06-29 22:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reply | Thread | Link

User: anghara
Date: 2013-06-29 23:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, my friend, if it were in my power to grant you would have all those things in abundance. And not only because I (and others) might have wanted to READ all those new things that you would write. I am so sorry that the weight of the world has descended on you like this.
Reply | Thread | Link

Ben Peek
User: benpeek
Date: 2013-06-30 00:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reply | Thread | Link

Lethran: Angel
User: gwyd
Date: 2013-06-30 04:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reply | Thread | Link

User: asakiyume
Date: 2013-06-30 05:19 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You are very charismatic even now--speaking as someone whose whole acquaintance with you has only been in these past view weeks (months? I have no sense of time). But yes. I heartily wish you have had your full energy, charisma, busy-ness, health, and life.
Reply | Thread | Link

Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2013-06-30 15:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I really wish I could take on some of this for you. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I want those things for you too.
Much love.
Reply | Thread | Link

User: kellymccullough
Date: 2013-06-30 16:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
That's what I want for you too.
Reply | Thread | Link

my journal
January 2014
2012 appearances