Back at the hotel we each sorted out our evening routines and got close to sleep. I had my trazodone and lorazepam combination on board. Trying to settle down for the night, I felt overwhelmed all over again. That quickly brought me to tears of anger and despair. All I could say is, "I want my life back."
I want to be able to go to a party and last more than an hour.
I want to walk quickly down a hall.
I want to be able to say to faraway friends, "See you again soon."
I want the people around me to deal with their stuff without being distorted by my illness and my needs.
I want to write.
I want to plan ahead.
I want my old energy, my old charisma, my old busy-ness.
I want my life back.
Instead I get fatigue, tears, and ever shorter horizons and an ever smaller existence.