Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Last night I had a meltdown

Lisa Costello and I were at the Clarion West party for a little under an hour yesterday evening before heading back to our hotel. We were both overwhelmed by the sheer volume. I saw a lot of people I don't see often, and in many cases, after today will never see again. I was navigating the party slowly, with my cane and my protective gloves. Both of these things served as obvious markers of my decline.

Back at the hotel we each sorted out our evening routines and got close to sleep. I had my trazodone and lorazepam combination on board. Trying to settle down for the night, I felt overwhelmed all over again. That quickly brought me to tears of anger and despair. All I could say is, "I want my life back."

I want to be able to go to a party and last more than an hour.

I want to walk quickly down a hall.

I want to be able to say to faraway friends, "See you again soon."

I want the people around me to deal with their stuff without being distorted by my illness and my needs.

I want to write.

I want to plan ahead.

I want my old energy, my old charisma, my old busy-ness.

I want my life back.

Instead I get fatigue, tears, and ever shorter horizons and an ever smaller existence.

Tags: cancer, death, events, health, personal, radiantlisa
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