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[cancer] My tomorrows grow shorter yet again - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2013-07-13 05:15
Subject: [cancer] My tomorrows grow shorter yet again
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, family, friends, health, personal, radiantlisa
Last night I told Lisa Costello that all we've ever had is today. All anyone ever has is today. But the reality is we are time travelers, slouching roughly into the future at a rate of 1 sec/sec, assiduously converting all our tomorrows into today one at a time.

When your tomorrows grow shorter, you can see today diminishing. No amount of detachment or resolve can change that.

This morning I am badly short slept (stress), my GI hurts from an incredible amount of activity over the past twelve hours (stress), and my liver aches (stress). Yet time moves on. Today happens.

I have breakfast with a friend. Another dear friend is arriving from out of town this afternoon for a quick visit. There is a porch party this evening at the house of [info]tillyjane (a/k/a my Mom).

But with yesterday's CEA news, I can see my tomorrows growing shorter yet again. There's nothing particularly surprising about this, given how my cancer has progressed throughout the year. Still I am mortally tired. Still I am mortally discouraged. Still I am mortally ill.

It's as if I've been running from the shadows for years. Every now and then they knock me down from behind. My feet are bloody. My kneecaps are cracked from falling over too often. These days the blows from the back are almost continuous. I seriously wonder if I'll live to see Christmas.

I am being eaten from within by runaway cells of my body's own making. I have met the enemy and he is me. I am dying, rather faster than is usual for a man my age.

And I am tired. So tired. Scared, too, incredibly scared, but these days tired seems to be the dominant emotion.

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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2013-07-13 13:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Much, much love
Kari
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Jim C. Hines: Hugs
User: jimhines
Date: 2013-07-13 14:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Hugs
Damn.
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threeoutside
User: threeoutside
Date: 2013-07-13 14:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
How we all wish there were something we could do.

*hugs*
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Keikaimalu
User: keikaimalu
Date: 2013-07-13 15:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so sorry, Jay. I wish there were a way to make all this easier. Maybe anti-anxiety meds? I realize there's a difference between realistic existential despair and nervousness, but still.

I hope your stresses are much reduced very soon.
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User: kshandra
Date: 2013-07-13 16:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Fuck Cancer
Still reading, still wishing things were different.
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martianmooncrab
User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2013-07-13 17:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
The Fates are fickle, but, tired, thats the hardest thing to deal with, there are things you want to do, but just cant quite muster up enough to do .. sigh.

*hugs*
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A wandering fellow on the long road
User: tsarina
Date: 2013-07-13 19:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I have respect for all the work you've done to plan for inevitable stuff your family will deal with in the wake of your illness. I'm not sure I would have the fortitude for those tasks.
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Dichroic
User: dichroic
Date: 2013-07-14 04:29 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You probably know the <a href="http://elisem.livejournal.com/903525.html>poem Elise Mattheson wrote</a> for Mike Ford about love and death. But just in case you don't , I'd be remiss not to mention it.
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emmainfiniti
User: emmainfiniti
Date: 2013-07-14 12:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs.
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Agent Mimi
User: agent_mimi
Date: 2013-07-16 00:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so sorry, Jay. You have my love and good wishes from afar.
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