Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Continuing to struggle with mind and heart

Yesterday, finishing up dinner with friends, I could not recall the word for the color of my iPhone's case. (It's magenta, in case you're wondering.) A small thing, but it irritated me horribly.

Last night, Lisa Costello told me something to which I overreacted. I am sufficiently emotionally and cognitively compromised now that my usual coping skills and strategies often are not available to me any more.

I think the Regorafenib is slowly eroding my cognitive capacity further. I manage to be shallow, offensive or rude on a fairly regular basis these days without meaning to at all. Except unlike prior chemo drugs which have had much the same effect, this one leaves my self-awareness pretty much intact. So I enter a negative feedback loop of guilt and regret over something I just said or did, which in turn causes me to say and do other stupid stuff.

It's kind of like how I was as a teen-ager all over again, trapped in hormone loops and poorly developed coping skills and having a big mouth. Except I can see every misstep, and it hurts.

My life is slowly becoming Flowers For Algernon.

Tags: cancer, friends, health, personal, radiantlisa

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