Log in

No account? Create an account
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2013-09-23 06:42
Subject: [cancer] Living in the two-month box
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, health, personal
So the CT scan came and went. My next scan will be about October 8th. Every eight weeks, I will get rescanned. We will look to see if the Regorafenib continues to stave off my terminal decline. Until the day we look and see that it has failed.

Then I will finish the dying process. Pending the possibility of a study drug buying me a bit more life.

It's a weird kind of limbo. I live in a two-month box. Every two months, I get to find out if I climb into another box, or if I'm starting the slide into death. My oncologist cautiously opines that because I'm responding so well to the Regorafenib, I may have a number of those two-month boxes ahead of me.

But still, it's a wall of death every time.

And like so much about terminal cancer, this makes me feel crazy.

I can't really plan very far ahead. I can't really look to what will happen next, beyond the two-month box. Everything I want to do has to fit into these eight-week cycles. Hope is toxic, and the future is all too certain. We lost this war last spring, but the battles go on.

The irony is I could be here having these same conversations with myself in 2015. Or just as possible, I could be gasping out my final good-byes early next spring. We don't know. I don't know.

It's just a box. The one I live in. I have measured out my life with CT scans; I know the voices dying with a dying fall.

God, this is a long, slow fall to oblivion.

Post A Comment | 6 Comments | | Link

User: girasole
Date: 2013-09-23 13:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Blue Sunflower
Present. Listening. Sending strong thoughts. And gentler ones.
Reply | Thread | Link

User: keikaimalu
Date: 2013-09-23 15:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
That sounds very crazy-making. I'm sorry you're going through this; the process being so drawn out seems both a gift and a curse.

So, I'm curious -- what gets you through? How do you cope?
Reply | Thread | Link

Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2013-09-23 15:42 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
What gets you through? How do you cope?

Living my life, mostly. My daughter, Lisa, my family and friends. Because life's short and I don't want to miss out on whatever's left to me.

But then again, some days, I don't cope.
Reply | Parent | Thread | Link

User: keikaimalu
Date: 2013-09-23 16:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fair enough.

Wishing you all the things you need to make coping easier. And wishing you an abundance of living of life.
Reply | Parent | Thread | Link

User: mmegaera
Date: 2013-09-23 19:55 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I wish I could send you enough boxes to fill a warehouse. Fifty-year boxes, not those two-month things. Then you could share them with everyone you want, and still have plenty.
Reply | Thread | Link

Shannon Leight
User: sleightly
Date: 2013-09-25 00:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Unlike Prufrock, I doubt the Eternal Footman is snickering while he holds your coat. Still, would be a lot better if he'd put the damn thing back in the closet, snickering or no snickering.

(I love that poem; it's always been my anti-example: "This is how I will NOT live my life." I'm a bit in awe of the way you continue to be Prufrock's antithesis.)
Reply | Thread | Link

my journal
January 2014
2012 appearances