Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer|dreams] Waking dark and dreamless

These days I go to bed with a mix of Lorazepam and Trazodone. If I don't, the Regorafenib does weird things to my sleep cycle. Essentially, I fall asleep early and sleep short, as if my body clock wants to run about 21 or 22 hours long rather than the usual 24 hours. The cocktail of the other two helps me fall asleep and stay asleep, usually four to five REM cycles, and keeps me at more or less the right point on the day/night cycle.

The downside is that Trazodone especially makes me wake up groggy. Sleeping on my own, I wake up rapidly, moving from sleep to full awareness so quickly it sometimes feels instantaneous. That always allowed me to remember my dreams quite clearly. Now, the pharmaceutical fog that swaddles my mind on waking does not so quickly burn off in the fields of morning.

I miss my dreams.

It's a small price to pay, especially compared to so many other prices I pay as my life narrows and narrows again in the face of terminal cancer, but still another loss I regret.

Note this is not a call for advice. We've dialed in the medication package pretty carefully, experimenting with various dosage combinations to sort out what works best for my medical needs. What I'm taking now ensures I get enough sleep every night for my body to maintain itself and for whatever healing can take place from the cancer to do so.

Tags: cancer, death, dreams, health, personal

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