Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer|personal] Last night I shit my bed

Yup. What it says on the post title.

The details aren't important. Suffice to say that at this point in my Regorafenib cycle, my lower GI is in a state of profound disruption. I awoke from sleep moments too late for an urgent demand from my colon. Everything was eventually cleaned and dealt with, but I felt disgusting and filthy, and experienced a very depressing loss of my sense of agency and self control.

This is what cancer does to you. This is what years of chemotherapy does to you. This is what powerful drugs do to you. They strip away your basic control of your body, and reduce you to an infantile helplessness.

I sometimes complain about feeling broken, about feeling compromised and foolish and unlovable. I'm here to tell you, scrubbing shit out of the sheets at 2:30 am is about as unlovable and unsexy thing as a human being can do.

So, yeah. There's a lot of love, laughter and fun in my life just lately. But there's a lot of fear, distress, pain and just plain nastiness as well.

Tags: cancer, health, personal
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