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Jay Lake
Date: 2013-10-29 05:01
Subject: [cancer] The Fear leaves a calling card in the hallway of my heart
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, death, health, music, personal, radiantlisa
Yesterday I was running errands in the Genre car (yes, with the top down) and listening to Camper Van Beethoven's All Her Favorite Fruit, from Key Lime Pie. I started sobbing, and for a time, could not make myself stop.

I very nearly turned and headed for home. But I'm trying not to be a burden to Lisa Costello right now, as she is going through so much family stress. My arrival at Nuevo Rancho Lake shaking and crying would not improve her day in the slightest.

So I thought about how much she needs me to be strong and smart right now. How much I need that from myself. How impossible a goal that is, and how impossible it is for me not to make the attempt.

Eventually I fought myself down to a sniffle, and went on with my day.

The Fear is like that. I am a dead man walking. Sometimes my mind and heart and body remember that so much that I can do nothing else but be afraid. Not so much of death itself, as of loss, and of the pain and sorrow I will leave behind.

As for that song, it reminds me of my childhood. I have literally played croquet behind white washed walls within intervention's distance of the embassy. Just thinking about it as I write this is making my throat catch and my eyes sting.

We never know who we will become. My life makes me proud and happy. But I never planned to become a dead man.

Then again, who does?

Post A Comment | 7 Comments | | Link

User: scarlettina
Date: 2013-10-29 12:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
But you're not dead, not right now. Right now, you're alive and functioning and present. That's something to celebrate, Jay. If your life makes you proud and happy, then celebrate that whenever you can.
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User: girasole
Date: 2013-10-29 13:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Listening. Present.
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User: fledgist
Date: 2013-10-29 14:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Death comes when it comes. Until it arrives you're still among the living. That's how I see it.
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User: rekre8
Date: 2013-10-29 15:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You know, you have a half a ton of other buddies in this town whom, if you need a shoulder and Lisa's are busy, are willing to be there for you. I'm glad you are able to be strong, mind you. But spreading the load is perfectly acceptable.

Call me.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2013-10-29 20:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Much, much love
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User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2013-10-29 23:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sending love.
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User: rovanda
Date: 2013-10-30 11:19 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm only a reader, but I will miss you when you're gone, and I am grateful for every day you're still around. (And can't help hoping there will be years more, in spite of your diagnosis.)

Thanks for living your life, every day you can. And thanks for sharing it with us.
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