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Jay Lake
Date: 2013-11-21 06:07
Subject: [cancer|personal] Yesterday I had another meltdown
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, death, health, personal, radiantlisa
Yesterday, I had another meltdown. This one was slow and quiet and all the more poisonous for that. Crying jags and panic attacks at least pass after a while, and are readily understood by Lisa Costello or anyone else who happens to be in range at the time. Undirected resentment and sullen silence can be mistaken for a lot of other things, none of them very helpful.

It was a difficult day in some ways. I ran into an intractable Quicken problem generated by my bank switching online banking platforms. (See my previous post about being a strange attractor customer service issues.) Email correspondence passed at some depth about the search for a clinical trial that might prolong my life a bit more. I spent time focusing on my funeral arrangements, including a tense conversation with Mother-of-the-Child about that. There were parenting issues. There were minor misunderstandings with the people around me. Lisa at one point confided to me that she'd be feeling a certain kind of emotional sensitivity for a while to come. My response was, "You mean for the rest of my life?" That didn't sit well with either of us. Mostly, there was and is me dying of cancer.

That last one? It never ends.

So by yesterday evening, I was feeling strung out and unhappy and pissy and strange. A chance remark pushed me over the edge, and I did not recover until this morning.

It's so damned hard, being careful of my own emotions and others. The people around me don't feel free to express their negative thoughts for fear of upsetting me. I don't feel free to express my negative thoughts for fear of upsetting my loved ones, family and friends. We all dance this strange dance of toxic consideration like elephants on ice, slipping and occasionally crashing.

Last night I crashed. I want to tell myself to get over it, but that option is long gone. I want to apologize to Lisa, which I have fully. I want to not feel this way, but that option is long gone as well.

Frankly, I'd rather have the screaming and the tears, then get over it and move on.

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User: radiantlisa
Date: 2013-11-21 14:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Well, you should mention that mine was the chance remark that pushed you over the edge, and that I've also fully apologized to you. It's hard when we're both so sensitive and stressed.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2013-11-21 14:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Didn't want to out you, dear. :)
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Debbie N.
User: wild_irises
Date: 2013-11-21 15:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Like everything you are now doing, this sounds so hard.

I just want to speak up, from the far outside where no consequences rebound on me, for giving yourself room to have all the feelings and reactions you have. You hate your situation, why shouldn't that result in feelings and reactions which you also hate?
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2013-11-21 16:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs. God, transitions are hard. We don't necessarily think of the dying process as a transition, but it is. I was so young when my mother died (older than the child, but still--insufficiently experienced with a protracted dying process) that I didn't manage it well. My mother said many bitter things to me during her dying that we never worked out for various reasons. Now, I think I would handle it better, but that's after having had more of these experiences. My dad glossed over a lot of it, relaying private conversations he had with her, but in retrospect I don't know how many of those conversations were real and how many were him trying to make me feel better (an unfortunate history with my own parents is that they had a history of unreliable positive feel-good stories about bad things which I've tried to avoid with my son).

Even positive transitions are difficult. I had always thought the retirement process was easier than it is turning out to be--fraught, anxious, and even though there's a positive outcome, getting there is fraught and worrisome. Even though it is positive.

Someone (perhaps you) said that dying is hard work. I think we tend to lose track of that reality. Hugs to you, Lisa, the Mother of the Child, and the Child.
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User: alumiere
Date: 2013-11-21 17:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My thoughts are with you and your family.
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User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2013-11-21 20:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
one cant spend every day shaking the cheerleader pompoms, to get pumped up. Shit happens, and being careful around others gets really thin.

dont wallow too long.
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