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[cancer] Funerals are real fun - Lakeshore
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Jay Lake
Date: 2013-11-22 06:07
Subject: [cancer] Funerals are real fun
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, child, death, family, friends, health, personal, radiantlisa
The topic de la semaine hereabouts has been my funeral planning. Contemplating one's own final arrangements is a subject sure to brighten any day.

Dad has been investigating funeral homes and memorial marker. [info]kenscholes in his capacity as a former pastor has been giving me advice and talking points about memorial services. Mother of the Child has been giving me her thoughts and feelings about the process.

I get hung up on a couple of points as I walk through all this. One, the whole discussion just makes me want to cry. Two, what is the proper balance between my desires and the needs and desires of those closest to me?

The first I just deal with. So much of my life is devastating these days, what's one more incitement to grief?

The second I think I have a solution for, at least in my context. We're probably going to have a small, private set of observances at my time of death and shortly thereafter, probably to be led by Mother of the Child's Buddhist pastor.

Sometime a bit later on, a larger, public memorial service for my extended family, friends, fans and whoever wants to show up, will likely be led by Ken. That will be the last JayCon and/or the second JayWake, depending on how one wishes to look at it.

For the most part, my own desires are nebulous. In simplest terms, I won't be here to care. But I am very mindful of how the rituals of my death affect the grieving processes of [info]the_child, her mother, Lisa Costello, and the rest of my family and friends. At the same time, it would be the height of hypocrisy for my cooling corpse (well, cooling ashes really) to be sanctified in a religious framework. Can I be a hypocrite when I'm dead?

There's all kinds of details: Scattering the ashes? Memorial diamonds? What plaque and where? Much of this will be handled in a series of meetings next Monday.

I do know what I want for the epitaph on my marker. It comes down to a choice between two different things I wrote in Kalimpura.
"What are years to me? Like pain, they pass unnoticed."

"In end, so is the beginning. In the beginning, so is the end."

The first is more obscure but pointed. The second is more universal but borders on the cliched. Neither can sum up my life, any more than any epitaph ever can for anyone. The dying process itself sums up one's life.

So it goes.

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e_bourne: pic#117119242
User: e_bourne
Date: 2013-11-22 15:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:pic#117119242
In investigating what to do with Mark's ashes (still resting gently in a friend's cabinet) the plethora of options both amazed, amused, and appalled me. One of my favorites being to "shoot" the ashes with a giant flamethrower-like device one could rent or purchase, because there are all those times you want to spray ashes up into the sky, yes? But for you, my dear, I think you should see about having your ashes molded into attractive, useable sex toys so that you can continue to enjoy in the after times those things you enjoyed in life. After all, since ashes can be incorporated into "memorial object" why not go for one that's useful, fun, and joy to have around?

Much love, my dear. I know this is difficult.

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