Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Being in the world

Being here in Omaha, being in the world at all, keeps stirring my thoughts of mortality. My dreams these days are almost always about incompleteness, failure and error. Comically so sometimes, some nights a tragedy in six REM cycles. I feel like I am digging my own grave, slowly.

I am so very glad to be here, and so very sad to be here. Which in truth is how I feel about almost everything these days. Fortunately for me, it's my nature to enjoy myself most of the time. Even when the grim dusk of my own death casts shadows across all my words and deeds.

We all die. Most of us spend most of our lives assiduously ignoring that most basic fact of human existence. I keep trying to convince myself that my own enforced awareness of my ending is a gift.

On occasion I succeed.

Tags: cancer, death, health, omaha, personal, travel
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